Saturday, October 25, 2008

Yet another story's start

But for a pretzel, a twisted pretzel, I might have made it. It had to be a soft pretzel too or else I might have passed it by, but of course it was soft and warm and it was giving off an aroma that said bite me, bite me please. Up until that point in my life, I never knew food could talk to me. Or dogs or rocks or even bugs.
My date was laughing at me, at the way I looked I suppose, but being in the middle of this experience I could only guess what I looked like. What I have pieced together from talking to her and a few other friends who were there that night is this: I was normal self and suddenly I was freaking out, eyes bulging in disbelief, mouth wide open going ‘ahahahah ohhh’ and wildly spinning in circles until I fell over asleep. My friend Bob stated loudly to the party that he wanted whatever I just had. Everyone laughed. When no one could wake me up, they put me to bed in the spare bedroom where everyone had dumped their coats. It was an informal party so coats when on the floor and I went on the bed. This was standard operating procedure amongst my friends - whoever passes out gets put to bed until you were the last person standing. If that happened then you were on your own.
Meanwhile, I was having quite a unique experience. I had not passed out - I had stepped completely out of my body. But I think I need to talk a little about how I got into this situation or in reality out of myself. I had not been drinking, although I did have a beer in my hand. I had been gabbing with a few people, doing a mingling thing when I noticed a bizarre crystal sitting on the shelf in the hallway. It looked like a quartz crystal but it was blueish green with flecks of silver, gold, copper and something red imbedded inside. I stood in the hallway gawking at it for at least two minutes, well maybe not exactly two minutes but let’s just say awhile. I heard a soft feminine voice say ‘go ahead and touch it’ and I assumed this was the voice of the hostess. I had never met her but I had heard that she was into some weird stuff and this crystal looked pretty strange. As it turns out, I was not hearing the voice of hostess. If it had been her talking, she would have told me to be careful, to be very careful, because that was no ordinary crystal.
But it wasn’t her talking and I was not very careful because it is my nature to carefree and to throw caution to the wind (whatever that means). I reached out and grabbed the crystal and would have brought it up to my eyes for a closer look, except that the electric jolt I received when I grabbed the crystal made me let go of it almost instantaneously. It was at that point that something amazing happened - I caught the crystal before it hit the ground (or floor).
Granted, there was carpet in the hallway but it was not really plush carpet, just your old basic apartment carpet which means it was thicker than a bare floor but not by much. So it goes without saying that if the crystal was valuable (say antique road show valuable *), it would have broken into several much less valuable pieces and I would have had to either find someone else to take the blame or I would have had to teleport myself to anywhere else in the apartment before someone noticed the Crystal was broken. But I was saved from quick thinking by even quicker action via my left hand. Normally, I would have never been able to catch that stone but for some reason, time seemed to slow down for me. I thought ‘hand catch that thing’ and to my surprise it did. My hand moved so fast that I was able to watch the crystal fall gently into it. I held the crystal in my hand for a few moments more while I battled my disbelief over what had happened. Numbly, I put the stone back onto the shelf where I got it and looked around to see if anyone had seen me touch it. It was then that I remembered the voice that told me to touch it in the first place. Since there was nobody to my left, I assumed that the mystery lady was on my right. I turned and tried to sound cool.
“I’’ll bet you don’t see that everyday.” I said to empty space. I turned completely around, a whole three hundred and sixty degrees. My mouth was open. There was no one there. It was at this point that my mind said ‘dude, she probably went to tell the hostess you touched that rock. You better get into the main party, pronto. And act like nothing happened. Be cool, man.’
I repeated the words to myself as I went into the kitchen. Be cool, nothing happened. I grabbed a beer from the sink and twisted it open.
“Good choice,” said the dog, “hey, can you get me a piece of cheese ?”

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About Me

I am a crabby old man who hates everything
I am a tiny wonderer in a large world
I am a young hippie tree-hugger
I am a mid-life crisis disaster area.
I am an attitude of stillness waiting for a wind.
I have not decided yet.