Sunday, October 26, 2008

PART TWO OF BUMVILLE MAYORAL RACE

The citizens of Bumville were both surprised, shocked and happy that a woman of Ms. Prudence’s social standing would want to be their vice-mayor. Some wondered if Ms. Prudence even knew where Bumville was located. It must be said that Albertville was located in the rugged, yet posh section of the state, a far cry from the dumpy, yet stinky flatland known as Bumville. (Editor’s note - a far cry is roughly 100 miles away as the crow flies - also the crow flying must be crying and since most crows do not fly in a straight line for more than 100 feet, we really don’t know how far away Albertville is).
In my first interview with Flo Pru (a pet name the media came up with for her), I was shocked and surprised and happy about the extent of Ms. Prudence’s knowledge of Bumville - none. I further shocked and surprised that Ms. Prudence (FloPru to those of us intimate with her) did not even know that she was a vice mayoral candidate of Bumville. This made me happy because you see, this was the kind of shocking scandal that sells newspapers, which also means that as soon as I could type it in, the Nicetown Noisy Shopper ran the article on page one. We sold every newspaper (some twice) we printed that day. It seems the citizens of Nicetown really love to read about how stupid and rotten the people of Bumtown are.
That evening I got a call from the Jones campaign telling me that I had interviewed the wrong Florence Prudence. It seems that I had interviewed Florence Prudence JR and not Florence Prudence, Senior (her mother). It did strike me as odd that a twelve year old was running for vice mayor but I did literally interview FloPru so I told the Jones campaign that I would not print a retraction. I hung up the phone. The next day, while speaking to a congregation at WINES-R-US, candidate Jones accused the news media of having a LITERAL bias. A murmur went through the crowd and I knew things could get ugly because most of crowd was waiting for what they thought was free wine. The flyer that had been printed about this event read like this:
FREE speech at WINES-R-US
GET A TASTE
of what CANDIDATE JONES stands for.


I knew I to go on the offensive yet remain neutral as it says on page three of the journalist’s handbook - always stay out of the way of the mob unless it is you that is inciting them. If you are being blamed then shift the blame to someone else.
(Editor’s note - it also says the same thing on page three of the Politician’s Handbook). I asked Candidate Jones if it was true that he was going to buy drinks for the entire crowd. Candidate Jones smiled a sly smile and commenced to start a two and a half hour speech with the words: I’m glad you asked that question, young man.
The crowd to a man gave it their best college try to stay awake but since none of them had been to college, this try was not very good. I put my tape recorder on record and I went inside and got myself a good stiff one. I came back out to find that Candidate Jones had put his tape recorder on play and was already enjoying a stiff one. One thing led to another and perhaps another, definitely a fifth and after that it all got blurry.
I awoke to find myself amidst a tangle of arms and legs and torsos and someone’s mouth. I recognized both mayoral candidates, Tawny Knees (a local stripper and schoolteacher), Liddy Gordon (local madam and principal), Florence Prudence senior and junior, and Hoyle Davis (local gas station owner). Hoyle being over three hundred pounds of lazy gas station attendant is credited with inventing self-serve gas.
I took a picture via my cell phone camera, checked my stock portfolio, bought a book online and then filed my story with the paper all without leaving bed. Is there nothing these new phones can’t do ?
The headline read:
CANDIDATES in BED WITH BIG HOYLE

(END OF PART TWO)

1 comment:

Soulsearcher said...

STILL very imaginative. Keep going!

About Me

I am a crabby old man who hates everything
or
I am a tiny wonderer in a large world
or
I am a young hippie tree-hugger
or
I am a mid-life crisis disaster area.
or
I am an attitude of stillness waiting for a wind.
or
I have not decided yet.