Saturday, December 27, 2008

A Rebuttal to the Previous Post (from ELF)

This is a rebuttal to the previous post about the origin of Santa. Speaking on behalf of ELF (Enslaved Labor Force) is Ebenezer Grinchmouse III.

Hi kids. My name is Ebenezer Grinchmouse III. My friends call me. . .hmm, It seems I don't have any friends, but in any case you can call me, Big Brother.
As your big Brother, I look out for you. You can count on me to tell you what to do, when to do it and how much you owe me for that service.

Recently this blog posted a pack of lies about a mythical character called Santa. Santa is corporate entity formed from the merger of the Claus Company (maker of hard to read fine print details) and the Santa consortium (Sissies Against Neighborhood Theater Associations). He does not exist. He is a figurehead used by the Parent Teacher Alliance (PTA) to keep you kids in line. They bribe you with toys in order to make you behave - I think that is a good idea. What I object to is the use of ELFs to make these toys.
ELFs are the enslaved labor forces commonly known as parents. They are forced to work at menial, thankless jobs throughout the year in order to pay for your toys. You think Santa gives these toys away ? Just for the fun of it ? No, money does not grow on trees (not yet at least, genetic research is working on that one). Santa charges 10% per month in interest and colossal late fees And do you know why ? To keep the Parents in line, so they have to keep working in order to keep the toys coming which seems to be the only thing that make you kids happy.
I hope you are happy.
There is a way to change things.
If each one of you kids would go up to your parents and say :
Mom, Dad, I don't want you to work at crummy jobs just so I can have a Transformer Barbie doll. I want you to have a happy life too. So I will give back all my toys and you can get store credit to buy yourself something nice. I will be happy playing with my pet lump of coal.

Do this kids and your parents will love you truly and they will stop trying to buy your love with material objects and Santa Corp. will go out of business and parents will be free.

Thank you and goodnight.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

The first Christmas - as it was told to me

Grandpa held us spell bound. Grandpa was old and knew everything - we were young and curious. And there was time to fill before dinner.
"Tell us about Santa, Grandpa" my cousin Jimmy said, "we want to know about Santa."
"Yeah," my sister Betty said, "how did Santa get to be Santa."

Grandpa took a big long breath and started talking. "Santa was a communist but in those days he was called a Spartan - in fact he was king of the Spartans and Attila the Hun was the bully next door. Attila used to call Santa rude names and never let him play in reindeer games. Then one foggy night Santa snuck away and vowed to find the Holy Grail which was located in the Temple of Doom, sitting on the Arc of the Covenant. He took Rudolph Valentino with him because Rudolph had a shiny nose due to his drinking problem - Santa thought some night air might do him good.

They drove their Chevy to the levee but the levee was a LEVI Strauss so they all got new pants. That was when they met the new girl who was not polite so they called her Frosty. But she wanted to come too, so they let her.
Santa, Frosty, and Rudolph saw a star in the sky so they followed it but it turned out to be a Blimp but that was a good thing because this blimp was a blip on the radar screen of God. So God sent an angel to guide them but the angel got lost and they all stopped at Denny''s for a late night snack. And that was where the angel whose name was unknown but he was the littlest angel so he ordered pancakes and he fell in love with the waitress whose name was Hi Dee because that was what her name tag said.
Hi Dee wanted to come with but had to work but the little angel said "I'll work for you." Hi Dee said he was an angel and the angel said I know.
Hi Dee said she needed to get back to her Grandfather's house. "Let's go." said Santa, "Its on our way." But that was when the Latin Queens street gang and dance group stopped them. Their names were Dashboard, Blogger, Danny Boy and Prancer Dancer. Hey, they said, we got a SUV that seats eight, hop in. So they did and it turns out the SUV had GPS so they found the Temple of Doom in no time flat. Dashboard, Blogger and Danny Boy stayed behind to fix the flat.
There was a scarecrow guarding the front door. He told them to watch out for the wicked witch of the Zest who lived in the Temple.
"She has got my friend Dorothy in there - held prisoner in the ruby slippers of doom. You must promise to save her."
So they did and the scarecrow let them in and gave them a dog to show them the way. The dog's name was SoSo but for some strange reason he only answered to ToTo. Toto (sosso) led them through a maze of stores, a place called MAZE Cs. There were clothes stores like ambercrombie and witch, toy stores such as Brats R Us and even a strange store where everything was made of wood (Hickory Forms). They were worn out when they spotted the food court and sat down and got some coffee at Caribou and doughnuts at Donner's Party (a pastry place).
And that was when they ran into Bebe Jesus (pronounced BAYBAY Hey Zeus), who told them that it was his birthday tomorrow and he was having a party and that he had a gift for everybody. If they were Catho Licks they had to go en masse first, before the party.
Santa thought that was a good idea so he decided to get gifts for everybody, too. So he made a list, checked it twice and then he ran into Victoria who had the secret of what to get the naughty people. Luckily for Santa the shopping mall stayed open late and had things like gift certificates and exchange policies. Santa even found something for Attila at Conan's Discount Barbarian store.
But he had to figure out how to get the presents to everyone. So he went to the cell phone kiosk, got himself an iPhone and checked out the home site for PARENTS (national organization of people who have kids) - Parents agreed to help Santa if he would allow them to come with their kids to the mall and have their pictures taken with him.
But the parents took along time to come and Santa got fat from eating doughnuts and old from having to wait a long time and he grew a long beard because the mall would not let him shave.
But he was always happy to see the children because he knew that after they came he could go home. When he got home, he found the bank had foreclosed on him so he had to move to a place where the property values were low. And that place was the north pole.
Dancer Prancer and Frosty got married and moved in with Santa. They had eight kids who won the America's got Talent contest - their act was called the Rain Dears. They were illusionists and their big illusion (with which they closed every show in Vegas with) was pretending that they were making a sleigh fly through the air over the audience. Packages would fall out of the sleigh onto the laps of every kid in the audience. . .

It was at this point, that we were interrupted by our parents who told us it was time to eat dinner. I never did hear the end of the story.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Some Stuff you might not know

The figure on the left is NOT Santa Claus. He is Father Frost, the Russian version of Santa Claus. The little girl with him is his adopted daughter, the snow maiden. I wonder what we the people of the USA would think of Santa having an adopted daughter.

I have to keep this post short - something about a crisis in the house and me having to go to the dollar store to get presents or Walgreens or someplace that is open (Kmart?).

A month ago, I thought I would have my Xmas novel done but depression and the weather have forced me to change my outlook. A new years novel might be happening but I doubt it, not even an Epiphany novel looks realistic - maybe a Super Bowl one ? Or MLK day one.

So bye for now - have a happy and safe Christmas (even if you don't believe in Santa),
Frank

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Its a Miracle


Yes, that is right - I have done the necessary steps and I am ready for my initiation into the Reverend-hood. the powers (or lack thereof) shall be bestowed upon me. The skies will open up and I will have greater access to . . . Okay I am getting carried away. But since I will become a reverend I expect some tithing to come my way. All you guys reading this need to give me a tenth of your normal weekly donation to online ministers - so I can keep myself going. But since you don't have to do that until tomorrow I guess you can have this post for free. I think I could go live with a pod cast but that might scare too many people away.
I guess I will have to make some miracles happen for you to believe in me. So here is a list of miracles I will perform:
1) the next governor of Illinois will not go to jail or be taken into custody - I know that is a big one but I have to start somewhere.
2) the Bears will make the playoffs - I mean the Chicago Bears and I mean this year or whenever they start- I have already helped the white sox make the playoffs (did you think they did that on their own)
3) the current president will retire and not be heard from until another Bush is elected president.
(Okay that is not a hard one)
4) American Idol will be interesting this year (another tough one)
5) the Cubs will get sold
6) Most of the current snow will melt this year - I would say all but some joker would save some in his freezer to prove me wrong.
7) Angelina Jolie will not have a child in 2009 - at least not birth another child
8) Jennifer Aniston will pose for some magazine cover
9) I will complete my novel by Jan16 th.
10) Soulsearcher will post on her blog for a week straight (toughest one yet - I don't know if I have enough power to make this happen)
11) Moderate Republicans will make a come back (another tough one )
12) Jesus's image on a potato chip will not sell for more than one dollar on Ebay
13) this post will make sense to someone (really tough one)
14) Someone will tithe me (really big miracle)
15) Burger King will make a commercial that isn't creepy or stupid or both (very tough one)
16) a movie will come out that I go see first run
17) there will be a month next year in which there will be no natural disaters (and Fox News and CNN will run out of material)
18) Some preacher admits this is not the 'End of Days'
And finally the biggest one yet - my library fine will be paid by someone other than me

If any of these miracles happen (and they will ), you are not obliged to change religions, just know that I am out there for you and I can make miracles happen (and for a large fee paid in advance, I will make one happen for you). With the exception of getting your book published.
Let me know what your miracle is.
Frank

Monday, December 22, 2008

Nothing Doing


Normally, I do not take cartoons off the internet to use in my blog but this one shows the mood I am in right now. (and it is in color) So buy this guy's cartoons (so I can ease my conscience of its guilt).
I have a couple of hours to write today and I thought I would get back to my novel (at this point it looks like a novella) so naturally I decided to write on my blog instead.
I have been a bit (only a bit ?) on the multiple personality side, these days moving back and forth from this positive, jokey blog which everyone (in my mind) likes to my serious spiritual blog which next to no one reads (thank God). But I have not been getting much writing done - I have my ideas all in a row and ready to go but it is at this point that any and everything in life seems interesting, exciting, and hey you know what I think I will make myself a sausage McMuffin. . . .Yum that was good. Now on to some writing - that is after I finish up writing this little ditty. I have already finished the suduku so it is either watch Jerry Springer or do some novel writing. Hmm I wonder what to do.
Oh well, until next time - call me stuck at 15000 and holding.
Frank

Sunday, December 21, 2008

News Frost from Hell





I must be in Hell. And due to all the strange goings on as of late, what with Lin and Soulsearcher and the American voting public (to name a few) doing unbelievable things it is very cold here (-30 degrees wind chill - which is nothing if you are like Sarah Palin and live in Alaska) but for me it is very cold. It has taken me forever to type this due to :
1) chipping the ice off of the computer keyboard.
2) typing with ski gloves on - thank goodness for spell corrector software on Blogger
I thought this was as cold as I have been for quite a while in december but the TV weather guy says no it was this cold in 1989. I don't remember - I guess I block those memories out.
I recieved this email picture from a friend.
Luckily, in this age of GPS, I do not think Santa needs Rudolph to guide his sliegh. At least I hope so because I think I need that coal to keep warm this year.
Hope you are survivng (unless you are like the president-elect and are in Hawaii now - then I wish I was with you),
SO stop doing extra-ordinary things because I need Hell to get back to normal.
Frank

Saturday, December 20, 2008

All the Good Ones Are Taken

In the past week, I have created 3 new blogs - 2 are private affairs, members only (sad to say) - and one is for My writing class at the Center (Great place the Center - check it out some time).
In the course of making a new blog, you are asked to name your blog, then check to see if the name is available.
Yes, all the good ones are taken. For instance: my Write place - gone, my write space - gone, Write space - gone, Write place - gone. I almost fell over backward when I found that Our Write Place was available.
Today, I started wondering what certain blogs might look like - you know the ones with the good names that are taken. So I peeked at a few and this is what I found:
(I am leaving out the http:// in the URL)

Jesus.blogspot.com - abandoned since 2000 (not a religious site)

Tao.blogspot.com - abandoned since 2000 (not much of anything there - I guess it is the blank slate)

love.blogspot.com - abandoned since 2000 after ONE post - I guess she was too heartbroken to continue

peace.blogspot.com - abandoned since 2000 (not much there - one post I think)
Happiness.blogspot.com - abandoned since mar 2001 (nothing there but hundreds of people have stopped to look at the profile)
Candy.blogspot.com - a single entry (abandoned since 2000)

Anyway, let me know if you find anything interesting out there - I am going to try Bush, Obama, and Hillary next.

Frank

P.S. Frank.blogspot.com is in Norwegian and has not been used since 2001 (The content of which is 2 posts of - this is a test = English translation)
P.P.S. - Barak is unused since 2004, Hillary is unused since 2001, Bush was the most entertaining in a college dorm way.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Some cats don't listen


Franklin emailed this picture of him working at his job (editor & proofreader for tiny California press).
This picture was 7M bytes.
Franklin, love ya, but not everyone has unlimited space in their email.

Breaking news - Hell is freezing again - Soulsearcher has posted on her blog !

I have decided to restart the process of writing my Christmas novel - last night, I wrote 300 words - Yah!! Hell will be frozen over if I get it done on time. Perhaps this is what Franklin is bugging me about - my christmas deadline. Today I decided to go out for a drive - car was inside of a block of ice. I felt like an ice sculptor. Chipping away. I decided to make some Christmas presents this year because I thought it would be more heartfelt but I am not sure if I am going to get them done in time - and no I am not giving copies of my stories out as presents (unless Santa tells me you have been bad). I think I should put up the art (short for artifical) tree soon. Trouble is I have to go to the storage room to get it - if you have ever heard of Fibber Magee's closet then you know what my storage room is like - ready to explode once the door is opened.
I do not remember how I got the tree back in there last year. Oh well, that is all for now.
Frank

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Some Random Thoughts



Todays Mood is Comfortable in my own shoes.

(Yes, I am using an idea by Cardiogirl.)



Franklin (my sister-in-law's owner) sent his picture via email this morning with the message:
Get out of bed, you lazy human.
I don't mind the early (5:45 cst) message, I don't mind the cat-call, but I do mind the 6.2 M byte picture. Stop sending me pictures that take 10 minutes to come in, Franklin. I do love the pensive pose, though.

The above shoe came from the Sketcher.com website. I am more of a sketcher guy than a Chuck Taylor converse guy.

I am glad to see SoulSearcher back to making comments but I am sad to know that she had to say goodbye to her baby girl. I hope you can swing a surprise visit to Calif, SoulSearcher. I hope you had some great times and got some good memories to keep you going. I hope you don't mind me using your web name instead of your real name.

Marlotus took me to a want-to-be art gallery yesterday. They advised her to make limited edition prints so as to make them (the prints) more valuable. I was thinking that I could do the same with my stories. I will print only 1000 copies of my tea story and you the general public will want to buy this (so you can resell it on E-bay later.) I am open to starting bids of a dollar (with increments of ten cents). Better get in on the ground floor - Buy now.

I think that I have finally figured out how to get the writing class to post their work - do it for them. In that vein, I created a new blog (Our Write Place) which can be accessed via want-to-be-writer. All anyone has to do is give me their story, poem and/or critique on bad writing teachers, . . .etc. Is this asking too much ? We shall see. In the meantime, I will post old work that people have given me in hopes that I would make a little book (ala the poetry class - which I never did because it was too much work trying to get enough material.)

The other day Lin wrote about Jon Katz which made me curious as to what is going on with him. Despite getting 10 to 20 emails from his blog per day, I am in the dark (mostly because I do not read the 10 to 20 emails). So I decided to look at his website and see what all the hubbub was about. This is what I came away with:
1) JK is downsizing his farm - getting rid of some animals (which most people were okay with until he had his cows slaughtered ).
2) Some people agree with his decisions, many do not.

I do not pretend to know what is going through his mind but I do not think it was an easy decision for him to make - I think that he loved those cows (maybe he did not). I think that people have a right to voice their outrage in any form they want (so long as it does not harm anyone of course). As a public figure, Mr. Katz should know that anytime you change the percieved product people will be upset. (I was upset when the band Genesis changed singers - I never bought another CD with the new singer (some guy named Phil Collins)).
I think that anyone who eats hamburgers cannot be upset with cows getting slaughtered (where do you think the meat comes from ?) I think that it was rude of Mr. Katz to tell everyone what he was doing - Ignorance is bliss. I think that it was rude of Mr. Katz to expect that people would support his decision blindly. I think it was brave of Lin to express her outrage on her blog. Kudos to you Lin. And finally, I think this is the last I will ever say on the subject - I was surprised to hear Lin say anything bad about Jon Katz - I thought hell had truly frozen over.

I want to wish everyone a happy holiday season full of joy,
Frank

Monday, December 15, 2008

I have decided to make this ....

I decided to make this blog, my musings blog where I am not as serious as I am on My Spirit Journeys. So to start with - I am going to put a post on how I have changed this blog and what it will look like. I have changed the face plate and I think that things look good there. I am going to archive all the old posts but I think I need to spruce up the right side of the page. I am not sure how. I could do a lengthy about me thing but I consider myself boring and yet I do have an active imagination so I think I will give it a try.
I also think that I will make the title different - right now 'frankspeak' sounds like something out of '1984' (the novel by George Orwell). I will change it to Positively Frank. I will keep the old site name in case someone has a link to it.
I think I will put in some positive pictures too.
SO that is it for now.
Frank

Sunday, December 7, 2008

How to get rid of राईटर's Block

I don't know what to write I thought I would try writing something different:
थे जोय ऑफ़ बीइंग
Somehow I have discovered how to write in Hindi which will allow me to say stuff and not be second guessed by anyone other than those of you who speak hindi and know what it looks like. I think that I have become too self-conscious lately and I have not been able to write because of that but now I feel that I am getting my writing muscles going so I guess that this ploy worked.
I don't know really why I got stuck just that I stopped writng and then I started to second guess myself. Then hours of not writing became days of not writing and then I found myself watching television (gasp). I was at that point that I realized how low I had sunk.
However, all was not lost. I was writing my blog and I was creating a new persona on the internet (something truer to who I really am). It was just that I had hit the wall on my novel and I was stuck at 15,000 words. My great goal now for today is to write up to 20k (today ?) and then I will feel better about life. Right now I doubt that all that is true but I have hope. We will see what comes out of this.
I thank கோட் தட் கேன் ட்ரை.
I hope that I am making sense to you.
Having Writer's block is no joke, but to get rid of it write either nonsense or in a language you don't understand.
Bye for now and
गुड लुक्क,
Frank

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Magic Ball

http://www.theinfovault.net/vault/spirituality/floweroflife_files/page317_18.gif
Don't stare at it too long.

About Me

I am a crabby old man who hates everything
or
I am a tiny wonderer in a large world
or
I am a young hippie tree-hugger
or
I am a mid-life crisis disaster area.
or
I am an attitude of stillness waiting for a wind.
or
I have not decided yet.