The first Christmas - as it was told to me

Grandpa held us spell bound. Grandpa was old and knew everything - we were young and curious. And there was time to fill before dinner.
"Tell us about Santa, Grandpa" my cousin Jimmy said, "we want to know about Santa."
"Yeah," my sister Betty said, "how did Santa get to be Santa."

Grandpa took a big long breath and started talking. "Santa was a communist but in those days he was called a Spartan - in fact he was king of the Spartans and Attila the Hun was the bully next door. Attila used to call Santa rude names and never let him play in reindeer games. Then one foggy night Santa snuck away and vowed to find the Holy Grail which was located in the Temple of Doom, sitting on the Arc of the Covenant. He took Rudolph Valentino with him because Rudolph had a shiny nose due to his drinking problem - Santa thought some night air might do him good.

They drove their Chevy to the levee but the levee was a LEVI Strauss so they all got new pants. That was when they met the new girl who was not polite so they called her Frosty. But she wanted to come too, so they let her.
Santa, Frosty, and Rudolph saw a star in the sky so they followed it but it turned out to be a Blimp but that was a good thing because this blimp was a blip on the radar screen of God. So God sent an angel to guide them but the angel got lost and they all stopped at Denny''s for a late night snack. And that was where the angel whose name was unknown but he was the littlest angel so he ordered pancakes and he fell in love with the waitress whose name was Hi Dee because that was what her name tag said.
Hi Dee wanted to come with but had to work but the little angel said "I'll work for you." Hi Dee said he was an angel and the angel said I know.
Hi Dee said she needed to get back to her Grandfather's house. "Let's go." said Santa, "Its on our way." But that was when the Latin Queens street gang and dance group stopped them. Their names were Dashboard, Blogger, Danny Boy and Prancer Dancer. Hey, they said, we got a SUV that seats eight, hop in. So they did and it turns out the SUV had GPS so they found the Temple of Doom in no time flat. Dashboard, Blogger and Danny Boy stayed behind to fix the flat.
There was a scarecrow guarding the front door. He told them to watch out for the wicked witch of the Zest who lived in the Temple.
"She has got my friend Dorothy in there - held prisoner in the ruby slippers of doom. You must promise to save her."
So they did and the scarecrow let them in and gave them a dog to show them the way. The dog's name was SoSo but for some strange reason he only answered to ToTo. Toto (sosso) led them through a maze of stores, a place called MAZE Cs. There were clothes stores like ambercrombie and witch, toy stores such as Brats R Us and even a strange store where everything was made of wood (Hickory Forms). They were worn out when they spotted the food court and sat down and got some coffee at Caribou and doughnuts at Donner's Party (a pastry place).
And that was when they ran into Bebe Jesus (pronounced BAYBAY Hey Zeus), who told them that it was his birthday tomorrow and he was having a party and that he had a gift for everybody. If they were Catho Licks they had to go en masse first, before the party.
Santa thought that was a good idea so he decided to get gifts for everybody, too. So he made a list, checked it twice and then he ran into Victoria who had the secret of what to get the naughty people. Luckily for Santa the shopping mall stayed open late and had things like gift certificates and exchange policies. Santa even found something for Attila at Conan's Discount Barbarian store.
But he had to figure out how to get the presents to everyone. So he went to the cell phone kiosk, got himself an iPhone and checked out the home site for PARENTS (national organization of people who have kids) - Parents agreed to help Santa if he would allow them to come with their kids to the mall and have their pictures taken with him.
But the parents took along time to come and Santa got fat from eating doughnuts and old from having to wait a long time and he grew a long beard because the mall would not let him shave.
But he was always happy to see the children because he knew that after they came he could go home. When he got home, he found the bank had foreclosed on him so he had to move to a place where the property values were low. And that place was the north pole.
Dancer Prancer and Frosty got married and moved in with Santa. They had eight kids who won the America's got Talent contest - their act was called the Rain Dears. They were illusionists and their big illusion (with which they closed every show in Vegas with) was pretending that they were making a sleigh fly through the air over the audience. Packages would fall out of the sleigh onto the laps of every kid in the audience. . .

It was at this point, that we were interrupted by our parents who told us it was time to eat dinner. I never did hear the end of the story.

Some Stuff you might not know

The figure on the left is NOT Santa Claus. He is Father Frost, the Russian version of Santa Claus. The little girl with him is his adopted daughter, the snow maiden. I wonder what we the people of the USA would think of Santa having an adopted daughter.

I have to keep this post short - something about a crisis in the house and me having to go to the dollar store to get presents or Walgreens or someplace that is open (Kmart?).

A month ago, I thought I would have my Xmas novel done but depression and the weather have forced me to change my outlook. A new years novel might be happening but I doubt it, not even an Epiphany novel looks realistic - maybe a Super Bowl one ? Or MLK day one.

So bye for now - have a happy and safe Christmas (even if you don't believe in Santa),
Frank

Its a Miracle

Yes, that is right - I have done the necessary steps and I am ready for my initiation into the Reverend-hood. the powers (or lack thereof) shall be bestowed upon me. The skies will open up and I will have greater access to . . . Okay I am getting carried away. But since I will become a reverend I expect some tithing to come my way. All you guys reading this need to give me a tenth of your normal weekly donation to online ministers - so I can keep myself going. But since you don't have to do that until tomorrow I guess you can have this post for free. I think I could go live with a pod cast but that might scare too many people away.
I guess I will have to make some miracles happen for you to believe in me. So here is a list of miracles I will perform:
1) the next governor of Illinois will not go to jail or be taken into custody - I know that is a big one but I have to start somewhere.
2) the Bears will make the playoffs - I mean the Chicago Bears and I mean this year or whenever they start- I have already helped the white sox make the playoffs (did you think they did that on their own)
3) the current president will retire and not be heard from until another Bush is elected president.
(Okay that is not a hard one)
4) American Idol will be interesting this year (another tough one)
5) the Cubs will get sold
6) Most of the current snow will melt this year - I would say all but some joker would save some in his freezer to prove me wrong.
7) Angelina Jolie will not have a child in 2009 - at least not birth another child
8) Jennifer Aniston will pose for some magazine cover
9) I will complete my novel by Jan16 th.
10) Soulsearcher will post on her blog for a week straight (toughest one yet - I don't know if I have enough power to make this happen)
11) Moderate Republicans will make a come back (another tough one )
12) Jesus's image on a potato chip will not sell for more than one dollar on Ebay
13) this post will make sense to someone (really tough one)
14) Someone will tithe me (really big miracle)
15) Burger King will make a commercial that isn't creepy or stupid or both (very tough one)
16) a movie will come out that I go see first run
17) there will be a month next year in which there will be no natural disaters (and Fox News and CNN will run out of material)
18) Some preacher admits this is not the 'End of Days'
And finally the biggest one yet - my library fine will be paid by someone other than me

If any of these miracles happen (and they will ), you are not obliged to change religions, just know that I am out there for you and I can make miracles happen (and for a large fee paid in advance, I will make one happen for you). With the exception of getting your book published.
Let me know what your miracle is.
Frank

Nothing Doing

Normally, I do not take cartoons off the internet to use in my blog but this one shows the mood I am in right now. (and it is in color) So buy this guy's cartoons (so I can ease my conscience of its guilt).
I have a couple of hours to write today and I thought I would get back to my novel (at this point it looks like a novella) so naturally I decided to write on my blog instead.
I have been a bit (only a bit ?) on the multiple personality side, these days moving back and forth from this positive, jokey blog which everyone (in my mind) likes to my serious spiritual blog which next to no one reads (thank God). But I have not been getting much writing done - I have my ideas all in a row and ready to go but it is at this point that any and everything in life seems interesting, exciting, and hey you know what I think I will make myself a sausage McMuffin. . . .Yum that was good. Now on to some writing - that is after I finish up writing this little ditty. I have already finished the suduku so it is either watch Jerry Springer or do some novel writing. Hmm I wonder what to do.
Oh well, until next time - call me stuck at 15000 and holding.
Frank